Pea Explosion!

WOW!  So much has happened since December of 2010!  I got married!  I got pregnant!  I had a baby!  It's funny reading these old posts about my insomnia - and I remember it well (the insomnia).  Ever since I got pregnant in June of 2011, it seems I fall asleep SO easily - but I just don't have the opportunity to sleep now!  Pregnancy certainly cured my insomnia...and now parenthood continues to keep it at bay.  THANK GOODNESS! 

I am starting a new job again...so here is what happened:  I went from Hegira Programs to Alpha House (where I worked off and on since 2004) and now I'm back at Hegira (a different location)!  Life is strange - you never know what the future may bring.  I will miss Alpha House.

Of course the most important thing in my life right now is my daughter Brynn...and trying to be a good parent.  I am off of my  medication (since week 4 of pregnancy) now - it's been about a year.  I'm pretty sure I am suffering from some post-partum anxiety, though.  I worry about everything.  But maybe I can use this blog to discuss the trials and tribulations of parenthood...I would like that!  We'll see if I am able to keep it up - seems like now I have less time than ever!

Transitions

Well, I did find a job and it helped (somewhat) with the sleeping problems. But now I am starting a new/old job and am up again at 3am. Seems like anytime there is a big change in my life, this sleeping issue returns. I really need to work on this. I don't want to take sleeping pills. The interesting thing is, I often don't WANT to sleep. Even if I am very tired, it's almost as if I would rather stay awake and think/worry/or try to distract myself somehow than try to fall asleep.

I guess it's one of those things...if it is enough of a problem, I will want to change. Oversleeping and not being awake during business hours can definitely be a problem. I just have to stay out of denial about it all.

Not sure if I will keep this blog up - no one reads it except me! (And do I even want others to read it? Not so sure.) But maybe I will encourage others to share via Blogger? That would be cool. I would much rather read other people's blogs!

Better With Parentheses

I'm in a better mood today. I'm not sure why. Perhaps because I have a little bit of money in the bank (although it will soon be spent it is always comforting to have it there for the moment.) Or perhaps because I lost 1.5 pounds. (I'm looking for every little reason here!) Or perhaps because it's Friday. (even though I do not work a full week - I still get excited on the weekends.) Maybe because I (mostly) slept through the night? I know it was very nice to go to bed at 11pm and wake up at 4am. Usually, i would wake up at 1 or 2am and be wide awake - so it was nice that it was actually a bit after 4am. Yes, that is more "normal".

Whatever the reason, I'm going to hold onto this good feeling for as long as it lasts me!

I'm off to get a bagel and then work out. (I never did work out yesterday - just shoveled the driveway again.)

Huh?

How in the hell do you find people on this Blogger site? How do you browse blogs and find new ones to read? (Other than clicking "next" at the top of the page which seems so random.) I am confused...and still awake...and still tired.

Time to watch The Simpson's until I fall asleep. :-)

Still Awake

Once again, it is 5am and I am still awake. I slept 4 hours today so it's not as if I'm not tired. I am exhausted. I'm thinking about going to work out to see if it tires me out. (What the nurse at the clinic suggested: "Why don't you just take a walk?") Gee, lady, if only it were that easy...

A lot of my thoughts these days are about when and where I'm going to find a job. I desperately need more income. My student loans are coming in - collector's are calling me daily. I have to fight the urge to let any depression I am feeling (or anxiety) take control of me like I have in the past. In the past, I would just go to sleep and eat or drink or do whatever I could to escape my problems rather than dealing with them. It is more difficult now because I'm living with my fiance and he would definitely call me out (or be very concerned!). So now I just constantly feel guilty. Instead of sleeping too much, I don't sleep enough. Since my sleep schedule is different than his, I worry that he doesn't understand - I'm not being "lazy". I feel like I need to stay up all night in order to feel that I've accomplished something during the day. I think other unemployed people may understand. I'm not saying a job will solve all of my problems and my anxiety will just disappear, but it seems to be much worse now than it ever has been! Friends keep saying, "Just give yourself a break!" How do I do that? I'm afraid that if I "give myself a break", I will just let everything slide and lose the respect of my fiance. (Wow, I am being really honest here.) This is something he and I have talked about and he says he doesn't think I'm lazy and does think I'm trying my best to find work.

I have applied for over 80 jobs in the past 5 months. I've had 6 job interviews. To be fair, I've gotten 2 jobs but I am hesitating because it is outreach work that is not totally safe or ideal. I'd be working with people who don't even really want counseling. From what I understand, there would be little compliance, etc. But it's money and it could be temporary, you know? I could keep looking....at the same time, there is an investment. I have to pay $60 for fingerprints and almost $200 for liability insurance (as I would be a private contractor). That is a lot of money to me right now for a crappy job that I don't know is going to provide the income to make it worth it. (I would get $28 per session.)

Ok, the dog is rubbing her butt on the carpet again. I should take her out, get dressed and go work out at least for a bit.

A Beginning

So, I chose the name "Pea Soup" because I wanted to convey what my brain is like these days. After graduating from grad school, it seems like all of the knowledge has leaked out of my brain somehow. My vocabulary (when speaking) is minimal...I talk like a first grader these days. At the same time, I have so many thoughts fluttering around my brain that I can not get a moment of peace - even when I am asleep! So, I thought that blogging might be a good release for me since I can't afford therapy. There are so many things I want to say - to get out into the open - yet I don't want to offend anyone or start some big conversation that turns into an argument...mostly it's just to get the thoughts outside of myself where they can evolve into something more and then I can decide if it is something I want to keep as a part of who I am or not. Make sense? I guess it doesn't matter since I'm not expecting many people to even see this.

Anyway, I'm poor and looking for work. I'm trying to help plan a wedding (my own) that I can not contribute to financially and I am STRESSED out. I have no health insurance and I'm on medication that I need to stay sane. Also, I have a (what's the word I'm looking for here? See what I mean about my vocabulary?) challenging relationship with my family which causes me a lot of guilt, sadness, anger and anxiety. I'm sure I'll get into more detail regarding them eventually. And I get very little sleep, so I will likely be on here often until I get a full time job.