I'm in a better mood today. I'm not sure why. Perhaps because I have a little bit of money in the bank (although it will soon be spent it is always comforting to have it there for the moment.) Or perhaps because I lost 1.5 pounds. (I'm looking for every little reason here!) Or perhaps because it's Friday. (even though I do not work a full week - I still get excited on the weekends.) Maybe because I (mostly) slept through the night? I know it was very nice to go to bed at 11pm and wake up at 4am. Usually, i would wake up at 1 or 2am and be wide awake - so it was nice that it was actually a bit after 4am. Yes, that is more "normal".
Whatever the reason, I'm going to hold onto this good feeling for as long as it lasts me!
I'm off to get a bagel and then work out. (I never did work out yesterday - just shoveled the driveway again.)
Friday, February 12, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Huh?
How in the hell do you find people on this Blogger site? How do you browse blogs and find new ones to read? (Other than clicking "next" at the top of the page which seems so random.) I am confused...and still awake...and still tired.
Time to watch The Simpson's until I fall asleep. :-)
Time to watch The Simpson's until I fall asleep. :-)
Still Awake
Once again, it is 5am and I am still awake. I slept 4 hours today so it's not as if I'm not tired. I am exhausted. I'm thinking about going to work out to see if it tires me out. (What the nurse at the clinic suggested: "Why don't you just take a walk?") Gee, lady, if only it were that easy...
A lot of my thoughts these days are about when and where I'm going to find a job. I desperately need more income. My student loans are coming in - collector's are calling me daily. I have to fight the urge to let any depression I am feeling (or anxiety) take control of me like I have in the past. In the past, I would just go to sleep and eat or drink or do whatever I could to escape my problems rather than dealing with them. It is more difficult now because I'm living with my fiance and he would definitely call me out (or be very concerned!). So now I just constantly feel guilty. Instead of sleeping too much, I don't sleep enough. Since my sleep schedule is different than his, I worry that he doesn't understand - I'm not being "lazy". I feel like I need to stay up all night in order to feel that I've accomplished something during the day. I think other unemployed people may understand. I'm not saying a job will solve all of my problems and my anxiety will just disappear, but it seems to be much worse now than it ever has been! Friends keep saying, "Just give yourself a break!" How do I do that? I'm afraid that if I "give myself a break", I will just let everything slide and lose the respect of my fiance. (Wow, I am being really honest here.) This is something he and I have talked about and he says he doesn't think I'm lazy and does think I'm trying my best to find work.
I have applied for over 80 jobs in the past 5 months. I've had 6 job interviews. To be fair, I've gotten 2 jobs but I am hesitating because it is outreach work that is not totally safe or ideal. I'd be working with people who don't even really want counseling. From what I understand, there would be little compliance, etc. But it's money and it could be temporary, you know? I could keep looking....at the same time, there is an investment. I have to pay $60 for fingerprints and almost $200 for liability insurance (as I would be a private contractor). That is a lot of money to me right now for a crappy job that I don't know is going to provide the income to make it worth it. (I would get $28 per session.)
Ok, the dog is rubbing her butt on the carpet again. I should take her out, get dressed and go work out at least for a bit.
A lot of my thoughts these days are about when and where I'm going to find a job. I desperately need more income. My student loans are coming in - collector's are calling me daily. I have to fight the urge to let any depression I am feeling (or anxiety) take control of me like I have in the past. In the past, I would just go to sleep and eat or drink or do whatever I could to escape my problems rather than dealing with them. It is more difficult now because I'm living with my fiance and he would definitely call me out (or be very concerned!). So now I just constantly feel guilty. Instead of sleeping too much, I don't sleep enough. Since my sleep schedule is different than his, I worry that he doesn't understand - I'm not being "lazy". I feel like I need to stay up all night in order to feel that I've accomplished something during the day. I think other unemployed people may understand. I'm not saying a job will solve all of my problems and my anxiety will just disappear, but it seems to be much worse now than it ever has been! Friends keep saying, "Just give yourself a break!" How do I do that? I'm afraid that if I "give myself a break", I will just let everything slide and lose the respect of my fiance. (Wow, I am being really honest here.) This is something he and I have talked about and he says he doesn't think I'm lazy and does think I'm trying my best to find work.
I have applied for over 80 jobs in the past 5 months. I've had 6 job interviews. To be fair, I've gotten 2 jobs but I am hesitating because it is outreach work that is not totally safe or ideal. I'd be working with people who don't even really want counseling. From what I understand, there would be little compliance, etc. But it's money and it could be temporary, you know? I could keep looking....at the same time, there is an investment. I have to pay $60 for fingerprints and almost $200 for liability insurance (as I would be a private contractor). That is a lot of money to me right now for a crappy job that I don't know is going to provide the income to make it worth it. (I would get $28 per session.)
Ok, the dog is rubbing her butt on the carpet again. I should take her out, get dressed and go work out at least for a bit.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
A Beginning
So, I chose the name "Pea Soup" because I wanted to convey what my brain is like these days. After graduating from grad school, it seems like all of the knowledge has leaked out of my brain somehow. My vocabulary (when speaking) is minimal...I talk like a first grader these days. At the same time, I have so many thoughts fluttering around my brain that I can not get a moment of peace - even when I am asleep! So, I thought that blogging might be a good release for me since I can't afford therapy. There are so many things I want to say - to get out into the open - yet I don't want to offend anyone or start some big conversation that turns into an argument...mostly it's just to get the thoughts outside of myself where they can evolve into something more and then I can decide if it is something I want to keep as a part of who I am or not. Make sense? I guess it doesn't matter since I'm not expecting many people to even see this.
Anyway, I'm poor and looking for work. I'm trying to help plan a wedding (my own) that I can not contribute to financially and I am STRESSED out. I have no health insurance and I'm on medication that I need to stay sane. Also, I have a (what's the word I'm looking for here? See what I mean about my vocabulary?) challenging relationship with my family which causes me a lot of guilt, sadness, anger and anxiety. I'm sure I'll get into more detail regarding them eventually. And I get very little sleep, so I will likely be on here often until I get a full time job.
Anyway, I'm poor and looking for work. I'm trying to help plan a wedding (my own) that I can not contribute to financially and I am STRESSED out. I have no health insurance and I'm on medication that I need to stay sane. Also, I have a (what's the word I'm looking for here? See what I mean about my vocabulary?) challenging relationship with my family which causes me a lot of guilt, sadness, anger and anxiety. I'm sure I'll get into more detail regarding them eventually. And I get very little sleep, so I will likely be on here often until I get a full time job.
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