Still Awake

Once again, it is 5am and I am still awake. I slept 4 hours today so it's not as if I'm not tired. I am exhausted. I'm thinking about going to work out to see if it tires me out. (What the nurse at the clinic suggested: "Why don't you just take a walk?") Gee, lady, if only it were that easy...

A lot of my thoughts these days are about when and where I'm going to find a job. I desperately need more income. My student loans are coming in - collector's are calling me daily. I have to fight the urge to let any depression I am feeling (or anxiety) take control of me like I have in the past. In the past, I would just go to sleep and eat or drink or do whatever I could to escape my problems rather than dealing with them. It is more difficult now because I'm living with my fiance and he would definitely call me out (or be very concerned!). So now I just constantly feel guilty. Instead of sleeping too much, I don't sleep enough. Since my sleep schedule is different than his, I worry that he doesn't understand - I'm not being "lazy". I feel like I need to stay up all night in order to feel that I've accomplished something during the day. I think other unemployed people may understand. I'm not saying a job will solve all of my problems and my anxiety will just disappear, but it seems to be much worse now than it ever has been! Friends keep saying, "Just give yourself a break!" How do I do that? I'm afraid that if I "give myself a break", I will just let everything slide and lose the respect of my fiance. (Wow, I am being really honest here.) This is something he and I have talked about and he says he doesn't think I'm lazy and does think I'm trying my best to find work.

I have applied for over 80 jobs in the past 5 months. I've had 6 job interviews. To be fair, I've gotten 2 jobs but I am hesitating because it is outreach work that is not totally safe or ideal. I'd be working with people who don't even really want counseling. From what I understand, there would be little compliance, etc. But it's money and it could be temporary, you know? I could keep looking....at the same time, there is an investment. I have to pay $60 for fingerprints and almost $200 for liability insurance (as I would be a private contractor). That is a lot of money to me right now for a crappy job that I don't know is going to provide the income to make it worth it. (I would get $28 per session.)

Ok, the dog is rubbing her butt on the carpet again. I should take her out, get dressed and go work out at least for a bit.